這篇文章其實不算新的﹐2023 年11 月已經上載﹐最近想把它移汪“IN MY LIFE”發現不見了﹐於是決定重新上載。並非老糊塗﹐也非炒冷飯。特此聲明以免誤會。 懷南 3/14/2023
妹和我們去醫院急救室看了 C 叔叔﹐他的情況妹很清楚﹐T 叔叔最近的記憶力有衰退的現象﹐看來五年之內會輪到我了﹐如果那天到來﹐我有幾個願望﹕
雖然我知道我現在吩咐你們的你們不一定遵守﹐但我希望你們知道這些願望不是我一時衝動﹐或是在我一時脆弱的當下想到的。這是我一向的願望﹐你們也許並不同意我的這些願望﹐但你們必須接受並執行這些願望﹐因為它們是你父親最後的願望。
如果有一天我變成C 叔叔今天這個樣子﹐我不要任何朋友來向我致以「最後的敬意」。拜託﹐假如他們愛我﹐他們會想念我﹔如果他們喜歡我﹐他們應該在我生前還聽得見的時候告訴我。我相信當 C 叔叔在那塊留言板上寫「來生再見」的時候﹐他心裡一定非常難過。但我在那塊小板上回「我們來生還會做朋友」的時候﹐我心裡也是很難過。我的願望是在我臨終的時候別來這套 Melodrama 戲碼。我只希望我能保持我的尊嚴﹐安安靜靜地死去。
我不在乎有個生前告別的聚會﹔這樣﹐我會知道誰來了﹐也聽的見他們的笑聲。如果他們對我說什麼﹐做什麼﹐我既聽不見﹐也不能回應﹐這有意義嗎﹖我這輩子﹐一直想知道有人說或寫﹕「我為你禱告」或「你在我禱告中」究竟禱告什麼﹖我的生命掌握在神的手裡﹔這是個沒得討價還價的交易。如果我的時間到了﹐就到了﹐沒到﹐就沒到﹐我全心全意接受這個事實﹔小店打烊我就走﹐此生本當如此。
我的願望是不舉行任何追悼會﹐你們已經知道撒我骨灰的地方。我該說的我都說完了﹐沒說的﹐就當它們是永遠的秘密和我一道隨風而去。如果有人想了解我﹐我留下了《此生 (In My Life)》這本書。如果他們不在乎﹐你們認為我會在乎﹖
妹今天問我還有什麼想做的事﹐我告訴他我最想做的就是多花些時間和你們及你們的子女在一起。不要等到最後﹐那太晚了。除此之外﹐我希望我仍然能夠開著車子在美國的風景區公路上亂跑﹔如果找不到合適的人同行﹐那我就一個人上路﹐實現我的名言﹕「我選擇孤獨﹐從定義上講﹐那不是寂寞( I choose to be alone, thus, by definition I am not lonely)。」只要我還能開車逍遙遊﹐我一定儘量做到我對你們「絕不輕易放棄(Do not going gentle into that good night)」的承諾。哥最喜歡的電影 Shawshank Redemption 裡的主角 Andy Dufresne 說的﹕「要就忙著生﹐要就忙著死 (Got busy living or got busy dying。)」我現在就是如此。爸
Mei went to hospital to see Uncle C with us today, she knows Uncle C's condition firsthand, Uncle T is undergoing memory capacity check. In short, within five years, I perhaps will face my own final exit. When that day comes, I do have a few wishes.
I know I have no control over what I am going to tell you below, but I want you two to know that they are the wishes I always had since day one. You may not agree with me on my wishes, but you have to accept them and honor them because they are your father's final wishes.
If one day I have become like Uncle C's situation today, I do not want any of my friends to come to pay their last respects. C'mon, if they love me, then, they will miss me. If they like me, they should have told me when I could still hear it. I believe Uncle C was sad to write "see you in next life", on that board, and when I wrote "we will be friends in our next life", I was sad too. I wish I would never go through that kind of melodrama in my last days under those circumstances. I just want to die quietly with my dignity intact.
I don't mind having a pre-death party while I can enjoy my friend's presence and be able to share their daughter. It doesn't make sense when people say things about me or do things to me while I cannot even hear them or unable to respond. All through my life, I often wondered when I see or hear people write or say: "I pray for you", I really want to know what the context of their prayer is. God has my life in his hand, it is a non-negotiable deal. if my time is up, it is up, if not, it is not. That is the way it is, I accept that whole heartily. No mess, no fuzz.
I wish no memorial service. You already known where I want my ashes scattered. I have said all the things I wanted to say, the things I didn't say, I would forever keep them a secret. If people want to know me, I have left a book "In My Life" behind, if they don't care, do you think I care?
Today, Mei asked me what I still want to do? My #1 priority is to spend as much time as possible to be with you and the kids while I am still capable of enjoying it. Don't wait until my last days, that will be too late. In addition, I wish I would continue driving on various US scenic highways; if I cannot find a suitable partner, I'd drive alone, enjoy one of my last famous words: "I choose to be alone, thus, by definition, I am not lonely." As long as I can still do that, I will keep my "Do not go gentle into that good-night" promise. As Ge's favorite movie Shawshank Redemption's character Andy Dufresne said: "got busy living or got busy dying", I am now in that stage. Ba
The wise man in the storm prays God not for safety from danger but for deliverance from fear. -- By RW Emerson